


Two Words

by knlalla



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cute, Fluff, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 15:44:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12235881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knlalla/pseuds/knlalla
Summary: Brief fluffy fic of Dan and Phil, kinda close to a reality-based fic with hints of romance. Told in three short parts, themed around 2009 (Dan POV), 2012ish (Phil POV), and more recent (Dan POV).Trigger warning: mentions of self-harmThis is purely a work of fiction. I do not own Dan and Phil.This was originally published on my Wattpad account.





	1. Stopped/Started

**Dan**  

I couldn't cut every day, but that was fine.

You gave me something else to do.  
  
My hands stopped finding my rough scars, stopped finding the sharp-edged blades.  
  
Started finding your soft hands.  
  
My thoughts stopped tracing layer after layer of my dread, of my hopelessness, of my self-hatred.  
  
Started losing themselves in the moments of your smile, of your laugh, of your happiness.  
  
My eyes stopped seeing my flaws, counting them when I looked in the mirror.  
  
Started finding your eyes, bright blue suns, illuminating the darkest corners of my mind.  
  
My lips stopped outlining my fears, catching on every single doubt.  
  
Started turning up, just a bit at the corner, when you said my name.  
  
Once, my hands found your skin, my eyes closed at the touch, my lips found your own, once.   
  
I stopped breathing, and that was fine.  
  
Because I didn't need to.  
  
You gave me something else to do.  
  
I started breathing, breathing you, and I stopped needing anything else.  


	2. Today/Someday

**Phil**

Today, I leaned on you in defeat, the game on the screen restarting after I'd died.

Today, you pushed me off, brown eyes flicking to the camera, as if it could see us, as if they could  _see_ us.

Today, a piece of my heart died, too. It didn't restart.

Someday, you promised, someday it wouldn't matter. The camera wouldn't matter.

Today, it does. It follows us, down the streets we call home, and my heart matches the dark gray sky.

Someday, it won't, I know. Someday, it'll be the clear, bright sun that watched us swim in the ocean, before the camera started to care. Before you cared, too.

Today is not that day, and my heart is the sky but it feels buried under six feet of frozen earth, that I can't reach out and hold your hand.

Today, I can't, not tomorrow, but someday. Someday I can be at home, someday I can feel your warmth without the absent chill that always follows, that worms its way past my fingers, under my skin, to my heart.

Not today, today my hands freeze in the chilly air, watching you through the camera that watches us, but I smile just a little bit.

Today, your lovely brown eyes flick back to the camera. The camera must think you're looking at it, but I know the warmth is not meant for it, is not meant for them.

Someday, that camera will know the warmth is for me, without a subtle push away, without the frightened looks, without the fear and denial.

Maybe not today, but I can wait. A lifetime of someday is worth those brown eyes, that soft warmth, that musical laugh and gentle smile. We can be, someday.


	3. Forget/Remember

**Dan**

It's become so simple, so easy, I forget.

I know I asked you, begged you, to wear this mask. We've done it so well, this game we play for the cameras, that I sometimes forget.   
  
Then you smile, for them, perhaps, but a hint of pink tongue pokes out between your teeth, just for a moment, and it reminds me. I remember.  
  
Remember icy hands meeting, holding onto each other, surrounded by snow - we were both still young, still new. A sideways grin, a moment before your arms wrapped my waist and we tumbled to the floor.  
  
I try, I try in my heart, to forget the ages I spent pushing you back, away. The fear that wrapped a serpentine grip around my chest.   
  
I don't forget the way you held me anyway, when I was sure we couldn't be seen, when I couldn't sleep because the world was against me, against us.  
  
I remember, then, the air I breathed was different, is different, near you. Softer, kinder. You changed me.  
  
I forget that we aren't alone, I forget to pull up the façade I spent so long sculpting. I can't remember anything but every moment I've seen those bright blue eyes, every time I've met those smiling lips with my own, every time I'm blessed with the sound of your laughter.  
  
I forget to breathe, sometimes, if I find your body with my eyes. I have to remember, remember to keep them off you, and my hands, too. I can't stare for too long, can't forget to keep my hands to myself.   
  
I have to remember the story we've built.  
  
But I can't. In those moments when I lose myself, I only remember every soft word that brought me back from the edge, every contagious laugh that spread from your lips to my own, every brush of fingertips across my skin, reminding me how you felt.  
  
I remember that, behind every reaction for the camera, behind every touch pulled away too soon, there are lifetimes of looking into each other's eyes, eons of warmth spent in each other's arms.  
  
And I forget that I shouldn't stare, that my eyes should not spend so long devouring you while the camera watches. They tease and hold onto those moments, but I can't be bothered to take them out. They help me remember.  
  
I am so new, I have been so undone and rebuilt by you hands, your glances, your patience and acceptance, your love, and I don't want to remember the wall I had so needed to build between us, that you have so spectacularly maintained.  
  
We are not simple, what we are has never been simple, but I want to forget that wall. I want to remember only the comfort of your hand intertwined with mine. I want to forget the phrase "edit that out", erase it from my vocabulary.  
  
I want to remember us, as we are, as we've become, as you've helped me become. I want to remember this lightness, this flutter in my chest I get from catching your eye for just a moment too long. I want to forget who I was before you.  
  
A pair of beautiful ocean eyes took me in and loved me through every moment I would rather forget, and I will never be the same.   
  
I am the happiest I have ever been. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, lovelies! If you liked it, feel free to give it a cheeky [reblog on tumblr](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/post/165449733402/two-words-phanfic)


End file.
